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Friday, December 5th, 2008
2:21 am - i hate coming up with titles
not a whole lot to put here, really...

not to say there's not a lot of updates to make and stuff to talk about, but nothing i can really lay out in the open, or, for that matter, say to much of anybody. one of the most maddening things i've encountered so far is the total lack of anybody to talk to, vent, and get a hug from. can't get upset around anybody, can't cry, can't say how i feel or ask for advice or anything like that without wondering how badly it will reflect on me or where my deepest darkest feelings and emotions and secrets will end up. the people who know of any given situation are the people i have to put up the big brave front and smile pretty for, and the rest, well, the time it would take to lay out the characters and the scene? pretty impossible. i don't even trust my own journals to keep my secrets anymore.

sometimes, a lot of times, i just need a hug and a smile and an open ear and a closed mouth, and occasionally a shoulder to cry on. it doesn't make me immature or childish or stupid or an emo fucktard. i know it doesn't. it makes me human. it makes me real. i am not a stone heart and a frozen smile. how long till i can stop faking it? how long till i can stop caring?

current mood: lonely

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Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
3:25 am - We have a move date.
it's official. i leave KC on 7/31, i'll be arriving in cali on 8/1. was hoping to make it a bit earlier, but the way my paychecks are falling, it just wasn't possible. that means i have 7 weeks to finish sorting through my shit and packing. i can do it.

maybe.

i have a lot of shit to go through. i've lived here for just about 3 years now, and there's a lot of useless crap to weed through and ditch. i'm proud though, i've already gotten rid of a lot. :) yay for prioritizing and brutal honesty with the "degree of importance".

so. yep. donations of pre-paid gas cards would be welcomed, lol... sima is helping me with the drive, and i've gotta fly her back afterwards. ick. so it'll be me, tuffy, grover, sima, and the absolute essentials crammed into my car vrooming across 1800 miles of desert and mountains. be afraid.

i think i need more boxes.

current mood: nervous

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Thursday, May 15th, 2008
1:33 pm - empty smiles and talk of nothing
i feel like i've lost my best friend.  when i look back at a year ago this time, we were pretty close. we talked pretty much every day. i got 5am phone calls to talk about the day and say goodnight, it was good, and it made me happy. those calls are why i started sleeping with my phone next to my pillow every night, so i could always answer and be there. 

the phone still stays by my pillow when i sleep, but the calls don't come anymore. yeah, there is a reason, partly, and i suppose it's a valid one, but it doesn't hold up to much, and when i offered to remedy the situation, i was told not to.  

we used to talk for hours, about everything and nothing and things that made others think we were crazy. i loved having someone to open up to. 

i don't feel that i've gained anything in this. instead, i feel like i've lost my best friend. i feel more alone and forgotten now than i ever did before.  

i'd give damn near anything to go back to the way things were. i want my friend back. i don't think they realize how close they are to losing me.

current mood: lonely

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Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
12:13 am - ELEVEN DAYS!
...yep :D
in eleven days i hop on a plane for california and get to see my boy and my girlie :D
*sighs happily*
is it too soon to start packing?
or at least to start doing laundry and setting things aside near my luggage? (which, as it happens, never got put away from my LAST trip out there...lol... i've been tripping over it for weeks.)
SO freaking excited, i'm going crazy resisting the urge to pack. knowing me though, i'll wait till the LAST FREAKING SECOND then stay up all night driving myself mental trying to get everything done, then realize on the plane halfway there that i did something stupid like leave a window open or forget to fill the cat's water dish.
yeah, i'm like that.


also... NEW PHONE!
got it um, a week ago, the indigo blue MotoRizr, it's pretty :) i likes it. :)

 man... i'm so in love it's sickening.
seriously.
i'd write bad poetry if i thought i were young enough to get away with it.

current mood: loved

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Thursday, January 24th, 2008
2:57 am

 it seems nothing in my life ever ends up simple. i've always gotta be right in the middle of the complicated shit. part of me loves it, but part of me would rather everything be clean-cut, simple, and straightforward. one can hope, right?

spent today cleaning up my house after we had to do some emergency repairs after a raccoon tried to get in. my living room is halfway back to normal. the last few days have been eventful if nothing else.

a whole lot of stuff i really can't and don't particularly want to go into, and a lot of late-night phone calls and frenzied IM conversations, and oddness going on in and around my house. at least i managed to get answers to a lot of questions that had been on my mind, some of them really bugging me. a lot of weight has been lifted, despite all the chaos.

i've been dreaming a lot again, and none of them have been dreams that fall into my usual categories, so that's an interesting change of pace. we'll have to see what happens with that. there's been a lot of details that have really stuck with me. no, don't worry, i'm not going to type my dreams all out here on the journal for all the world to see.

people from my past are crawling out of the woodwork again, i'm not sure whether to welcome them back, or stay the hell away. i've also started getting lectures from everyone around me, and they're all following the same basic lines. i'm listening. i know. i understand what i have to do. not for you, not for any of you. for me. as much as i know i have people out there who care about me and are looking out for me, it's still a bit odd for me to hear these things. from all of them. in rapid succession.

i'm also getting back in touch and in-tune with myself, something that feels oddly comfortable in an unusual way, like the first time you pull your old favorite winter coat out of the back of the closet on the first cold day of the year. it feels odd to be wearing it again, but yet so right, then you reach in the pocket and find things you had forgotten were even there. or a hidden pocket you've never come across in all the years of wearing that coat.

i'm dragging myself up, and back, kicking and screaming. for me. because it is what i need. i have goals, i have a plan, and i'm not going to let anybody or anything get in the way. not even myself. i'm not going to sabotage things for myself this time. fuck that.

just give me what i require, and nobody gets hurt.



current mood: determined

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Monday, January 14th, 2008
11:21 pm - i feel like dead.
so... the drive to cali went well. we beat the weather systems by a day or so. parts of america are really beautiful. utah sucked ass for reasons i won't get into on a "general public" entry, but it was kinda pretty, when i could manage to concentrate long enough to look out the window. driving a 16-foot moving van through donner pass at night in the rain = terrifying, yet kinda oddly fun.

sacramento...rain. wind. storms. power outages. fun :)

went out to the club for gabe's bday, i'm still waiting for pics to be posted... man oh man, there's at least two really good ones of me, muahahaha...

then my phone vanished and was stolen. that sucked. i'm using an old backup phone until february 22 when i'm eligible for my upgrade, and can get that purple motorola i saw in the store.

also, i came home sick. i've had a nasty cough and sore throat since the day i flew home, been pretty well miserable with a bad cold ever since... the only consolation is that i'm not the only one suffering... a few others back in cali have the same thing going on. bwa.

waiting for the kettle to whistle for me to tell me i can scald my throat on some more tea so i won't cough for a bit longer...

current mood: sick

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Monday, December 24th, 2007
11:24 pm - xmas loot, part 1
so far my xmas haul includes:

the special pink BH&G cookbook from mutt and adara
a yummycute shower set  from my secret santa at work
2 pairs flannel PJ pants (my whole family is crazy about pjs. not sure how many of us don't even wear them to bed)
a cute purple chenille sweater with matching stripey scarf
a new pair of sheepskin slippers (so warm! so soft!)
a ginormous tool set. it's got freaking everything.
a reed diffuser potpourri thingy
aaaaand... an 80 gig ipod :D

the remainder of the family xmas stuff will happen in about 12-14 or so hours, and i may have stray late gifts coming in from here and there. (i know most of my gifts to people will be arriving late, for one reason or another. mostly due to hand-delivering them.)

so yeah. :D

my birthday's in march, i'll be taking (another) vacation to california for it, but if you love me, if you really really love me, i'm looking for prints (or posters. i can frame them and CALL them prints) by the following artists to complete my collection of "something by all my favorite artists" on the walls of my house:

Dorian Cleavenger
Gerald Brom
Yoshitaka Amano
and, last but so very very VERY much in my "top three favorite artists" list, Timothy Lantz, whose LJ is archeon . I freaking love his stuff.

time to check the pumpkin pies. then shower and die for a few hours.

current mood: bouncy

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1:08 am - meowr?

so um yeah. i still live. been writing more in my paper journals than here. fucking voyeurs. 

updates i guess, for some of you:

still working retail, working my way up the management ladder.
as of 12/19/07 i have one cat (tuffy) , one dog (grover) , six rats, and one betta fish.
i live in the same cute crappy house. (wow... before the rosebushes and climbing flowers! so bare!)
i spent my last vacation here with a whole bunch of friends.
i've lost a bunch of weight.
i am once more unavailable for dating.
i'm considering and working out the logistics of a cross-country move within the next six months.
i'm working on becoming less of a recluse. amazon.com is NOT my friend.
pagans are friends, not food.

...wait...how'd that last one get in there? er, ooops.

yeah. really i spend most of my time on irc, and i'm nearly always connected to y!m. i also have unlimited messaging on my cell, so i spend stupid amounts of time texting people. seriously. don't text me if it costs you to do so. i'll burn through your monthly allowance of messages in a day and a half. otherwise, hit me up on yahoo for my other contact info, cause i'm not posting it here. >:P

right.



current mood: good

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
1:50 am - hmmm...
let's see... not a whole lot going on. the weather's warming up, which is nice and about time. i REALLY need to get outside and start in with the yard work and paint the house and such. there's a lot to do, but i think if i break it down over a few days, it'll be tolerable. i can probably work out a take-it-out-of-the-rent deal, too, especially on the housepaint, insulation, and other necessary crap like a new door for the crawl space.

tomorrow i'm gonna get out for some fresh air, take the dog to a local doggy park just for the hell of it.

i'm making my list of garden needs too... i have a decent-sized flower garden area in the front of the house, so i've got to plant some basic flowers there. i may cop out and buy a bunch of mixed wildflower seeds and just toss them in. i want to get some nice shrubs like lilac or something to plant outside the bathroom/kitchen windows. something that's not gonna get too huge, but that'll be just generally *nice*. i'd like to get the outside fireplace thingy fixed up, too... the bricks are kinda jumping ship. i have a decently-sized area for a veggie garden, and i would love to plant maybe a grapevine or raspberries or something in the backyard. around the patio, i want to put up some lattice and get some climbing vines like honeysuckle and such. the huge-ass evergreen tree in the front needs to be cut WAY back too, and i'm dying to put flower-boxes under the front windows.

wow. lots of gardening.

i live in a very small, very cute, and very old cottage-type house. it's low-ceilinged, low and sloped on one side (the north wall is MAYBE 6 and a half feet from floor to ceiling), and has a nice big yard. it even has a gable-y thing in front. it's probably close to 90 or 100 years old, and i really think that the current living room and kitchen were the original structure, and that it was built before indoor plumbing. NONE of the structural measurements are standard, or even whole legnths. (i recall that one bit of wall-to-doorway is a retarded 19.5 inches wide or the like.) it also was all but neglected for several years and needs LOTS of work to look really good again. did i mention the blue? yeeeah. the kitchen cabinets (made of STEEL), linoleum, and wallpaper, as well as the carpet in the rest of the house, are all BLUE. it's not a horrible obnoxious blue, it's that early-90s "ducks with ribbons on their necks" decorating style of blue. i suppose it's better than apartment-complex-neutral beige, but still. there's only so much blue i can take. i ended up giving in and making the kitchen be "blue and beige. whatever.", the living room being "fuckit. earthy tones to counter all the damn blue.", the bedroom being "screw you. i'm not DECORATING the bedroom.", and the bathroom being "purple and sage, cause i like it." had to paint over 5 walls of wood panelling. (oh. yes. i HAD to. four coats of paint, but that shit wasn't staying unpainted.)

could be worse. could be yellow shag.

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Friday, February 10th, 2006
12:20 pm - oops...
forgot to update again, didn't i... well, here's what's happened...

the fridge broke and died, so we were without one for like a week, then we hauled one out of the garage and hooked it up... it's cold! so um, yay.

insert lots and lots of work and no-money stuff here.

i found the local libraries and am once again feeding my book habit. *drools happily, but not on the books*

was able to knock $40 off the cable bill, and didn't even lose any services, yay!

shaved my car insurance bill from $51 per month to a whopping $32 a month, yay!

and, best of all, my aunt has an old car she wants to get rid of and is going to sign over to me! it's older than my current car, but a bit smaller, and a little bit easier on the gas. not much, mind you, but that extra 5mpg does add up. it's only a 2-door, but enh. like my backseat collects anything more than groceries and food wrappers more than once a month or so.

so yeah, picking up overtime, trying to get all my bills caught up, which will be easier now. my mom wants me to help her set up a seller's account on ebay and start cleaning out the attic, which actually does sound surprisingly fun, especially considering she's willing to split the money with me :D

so yeah... i think that's all for now. time to go put on my fake-ass smile and work my way through 8 hours of total fucking idiots :D

current mood: sore

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Sunday, December 25th, 2005
7:40 pm - The loot!
well, xmas is over, the loot has been dragged home... so, if anybody was wondering, here's what all i/we got, household gifts included, in no particular order. :D

vol. 2 of Model
a Sumomo cellphone strap dangly
a Haibane Renmei shirt
a Bleach pencilboard
a Family Guy sticker (heheh... Stewie rocks)
a pair of sheepskin boots
a set of silicone bakeware (more on this below)
SOCKS! :D (yeah, i love socks.)
a george foreman grill
a set of xmas soaps from bath & body works (cocoa, eggnog, and gingerbread scents! yum!)
a pair of awesomely huge purple towels to match the bathroom (it's purple and sage)
a pair of rubbermaid food canisters
a set of glass food canisters (mouse-proof!)
a cute little teapot with cookies and a tea assortment
more SOCKS! :D

...so... about the silicone stuff... it's FLOPPY...and BLUE... and FLOPPY... and SILICONE!
i was a bit nervous about how well it would REALLY go in the oven, so i whipped up a batch of muffins and tossed them in... they came out PERFECT. seriously. perfectly even golden-brown, but still moist, even on the bottom... and to get them out, no scraping or banging or anything... you poke the bottom of the pan up, the muffin just pops out. no-stick, no fighting, it's insane. never ever ever in a million years would i have EVER even THOUGHT about buying silicone to put in my oven, but this stuff is surprisingly cool! it's oven-safe, microwaveable, and even BROILER safe, up to 500°. my mind still boggles.

so... yeah... pretty cool xmas. ima try and borrow my mom's copy of the sims mega and see if i can trick it into running with my sims deluxe cd in the drive... *crosses fingers*

:D

the only part that's gonna suck is being at work at 5am monday. ugh. fucking evil.

current mood: happy

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Monday, December 5th, 2005
10:35 pm - one more thing...
i don't think she'll read this, but if so, er... i'm sorry, just being truthful here...

i finally got around to reading Poppy Z. Brite's recent-ish book, Liquor. i wasn't impressed. i mean, it was good, but not recommend-to-my-friends good, and especially not buy-a-copy-for-a-friend-because-i-can't-part-with-my-own good, like some of her older books have been. i can't live without my ancient publisher's proof copy of Exquisite Corpse (got her to sign it for me years ago, MWAH!) and i re-read Drawing Blood and Lost Souls at least once a year. Liquor? no thanks.

see, it's a book written for and about fans of the gourmet dining industry... talk about going WAY over the heads of the average reader... she's writing about this wonderful dish the characters are cooking, and all i can think is "oh, NASTY. that's just DISGUSTING. people EAT that shit?" and "uh... what the hell is happening here? i think i need to go back a few pages and...bah, fuckit."

*sigh*

i miss reading about Ghost and Steve and beer and coffee and drugs and that way she has of describing a situation that makes it practically drip off the pages...

i suppose i'll keep reading them because i really can't NOT, but... something's gone, really, and that makes me sad.

current mood: contemplative

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9:48 pm - fuck, i need to think of a subject, too?
i hate my car.
no, really.
it's falling apart.
seriously.
the electrical systems are dying one at a time. the blower stopped working, making for some cold-ass drives to and from work, i STILL have a bad tire that's losing air. (FUCKING SAM'S CLUB TIRE NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING ASSHOLES!), the fuel pump is doing its thing again meaning it's running like shit and i have to disconnect the battery when i leave it for more than like half an hour, and today, in the middle of all this stress and bullshit, the driving lights decided to short out. AGAIN. now, the headlights come on automatically, but i end up with no tail-lights, quarter-lights, or dash lights. *twitch*

we're supposed to be headed down to arkansas in like a week and a half for dj_bludston's gig and this piece of shit had better make it. grr.

once i get some free spending money, i need to get down to Mo Iikai and catch up on my rentals. i'm falling further and further behind on Bleach and Saiyuki and i pretty much gave up on Fruits Basket since it's like never ever in. SOMEBODY who i know reads this needs to re-download episode i think 13 of Trinity Blood for me cause his is corrupted and i can't watch past it... *cough*

mmmmmyep.

Abel is the shit.

i also have a package i need to get sent to ron before xmas... maybe he'll send me more Nóa kropp... hehehe, i'm so far addicted to that stuff it's not even funny. it's basically Kix cereal covered in milk chocolate. and it COMES in a BUCKET. i didn't know this at first, as he only sent me little bags... heh... bastard ;)

okay, i can't think of more shit to write about, and my cat is being wiggy. i'm shutting up now.

current mood: content

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Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
8:41 pm - damn...
yeah, i'm still alive.

been working 40+ hours a week, managed to do 10 hours today with no breaks. O.o fucking corporate assholes. i've barely got the time and energy to want to bother thinking and posting, but i'll do my best to try and post more often.

the house is still drafty as hell, i need to buy stock in plastic and just shrink-wrap the place, seriously. every window and door has a breeze, it's insane.

after two weeks of setting traps and having things eaten, we managed to catch three mice in the TRASH CAN of all places. set them free across town thursday, yay! no more mouse shit in my stove!

we're making progress on getting the place looking decent, housewarming party will be soon. i didn't manage to get the fridge painted before the weather got cold, so i still have an almond-colored monstrosity in there. the laundry room is still a wreck, but it's mostly closed off due to the cold now. once i get the dryer hooked up and the washer in, it'll be okay.

the external and structural repairs are going to have to wait till spring now, which will mean even more work on the siding, grr. i'm also trying to think of a creative and easy way to re-discover the driveway that doesn't involve purchasing gravel. doh.

if i manage to scrape together the money to go to the vintage hardware place, the kitchen faucet is in desperate need of replacement, but they haven't made parts for it in easily 50 years. *twitch*

this house is a fucking insanity. i found a yucca plant out in the back yard behind the shed, one of those outdoor stove/chimney things, and a motorcycle encased in vines O.o

wow, i'm babbling. shutting up now.

current mood: drained

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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
2:24 am
whoa... know what? i'm alive.

working 6 days a week.

busy with RPGs between sleeping and work.

gotten new-computery-goodness, hooray.

um... yeah.

current mood: tired

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Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
2:22 pm - the xmas list
i know, i hardly ever use this thing, but i'm still alive.

i'm posting my (things i won't get for) xmas list so i can point people here.

so...here it is:

this dvd
gift cards to barnes & noble
stripey socks, as always. no toe socks please.
neopets stuff!
a living dead doll
anything with eeyore or badtz maru or harry potter
kinder eggs and codeine if you're in canada ;)

and really, i can't think of much else right now, so that's about it. *shrug*

EDIT:
i must posess this mug and this shirt!!! :D

current mood: tired

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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
3:12 am - WELL now...

How far would LJ friends go with you---sexually?
LJ Username
Would not touch you crystalpale
Would give a friendly hug shyia
Would kiss you to see what it's like katzchen
Wants oral sex from you bebe_monkie
Wants to have phone sex with you tannhaus
Wants to fuck you right now katzchen
This cool quiz by MissHannigan - Taken 6322 Times.
</a>
New! Get Free Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz



current mood: amused

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2:34 am - uhm, heheh... yeah...
i'm still alive.

i just kinda forgot about this here LJ thingie.

mmyep.

i'm a crappy ninja.

and my computer is still broken again.

email me or poke me on Y!M if you wanna get in touch with me, and i'll make a realio trulio honest-to-shit attempt at updating this again regularly.

yep. that means quizzes.

they're content, right? ;)

current mood: embarrassed

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Sunday, July 18th, 2004
8:22 pm
still alive.
in case you were wondering.
:P

current mood: cheerful

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
4:07 am - aargh
if anybody has a copy of Ausoween 1.0, PWEI vs. Elfman, send it to me? please? and/or Dink - Dink (the whole album). shit's hard to find on winmx.

i sent someone a list of my music like 3 days before the HD died, so i'm gonna see if he still has it and can send it to me so i'll have a reference list.

current mood: annoyed

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